
Squids In For Kiwi Fishermen
By Our UK Correspondent in Manchester
The news of a record-breaking colossal squid being
captured by meddling Kiwi fishermen has reverberated
around the globe.
Despite the fact that it happened over 7000 miles
away, and that nobody in the UK really gives a toss,
even Her Majesty’s very own multimedia plaything the
BBC reported this momentous haul.
The Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni, or Bllody Big Scary
Thing That Looks Like It Should Have Been In Aliens 2
Or Something for non-Latin readers, was caught on 22
February 2007.
It took a full classroom of 33 and 1/3 local children
with standard-sized rulers to measure the precise
length of the ten metre long monstrosity.
In the short term the kids were initially overjoyed at
escaping double English with Miss Murray to perform
this crucial scientific act. In the long term they
will be scarred for life after staring into the dead
squid’s volleyball-sized eyes all afternoon.
Meanwhile, back in Blighty a clearly excited Professor
Flotsam Seaweed, senior lecturer in tadpole studies at
Crapstown University, said:
“ This is the largest water-based creature I’ve ever
witnessed.
“ As a young lad I did once see a pretty big goldfish
when the fair came to town that may have been bigger
than this squid thing.
“ However, I was unable to study it in closer detail
and verify the goldfish’s dimensions.
" The cheating gypos wouldn’t hand it over even though
I won it fair-and-square on the hook-a-duck. I told my
dad but he said not to argue with the nice travelling
man as he’d probably ‘take your kneecaps off’. The
b*stard. “
Scientists in New Zealand are now debating whether to
chop the squid up into millons of tiny pieces in the
name of research or coat it in mountains of flour, pop
it into the world’s biggest deep fat fryer and live
off calamari for the next two years.